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12/23/03 - Everytime I'm feeling something that I can't really describe, I go to www.colorquiz.com . It's usually pretty accurate in describing how I feel. (Almost to a scary point) You should try it.
Your Existing Situation
Active, but feels that insufficient progress or reward is being made for the effort exerted.
Your Stress Sources
The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship.
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.
Your Desired Objective
Wants interesting and exciting things to happen. Able to make herself well-liked by her obvious interest and by the very openness of her charm. Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming.
Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.
12/22/03 - I am sixteen now, hear me squeak! Ah but what of your fifth fear? What is it that makes you shiver so? Sigh. I am not content. The stigmata is burning and the grape jelly is running down my palms, I need some toast. Cut me open, strew me around. I need someone to see what I really am. Inside my bodily cavities will be written messages from our most high creator who is allergic to peanuts, thats why they dont serve them on airplanes. My various cartwheels and somersaults have been deemed inadequate by those higher powers above, and now my job as royal gardener is being threatened. I swear I didn't force those petunias to have sex. All I did was light the incense and scented candles! I find I am losing my taste for darkness, and no amount of carpet samples will take away the burning yearning burning. Do you hear me?? What a world we live in! The electric typewriter has become obsolete! Obsolete I tell you! And what of the typewriter repairmen, huh? Do you ever stop and think of them? No, my friends. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. I find myself growing every day more and more enlightened. I believe it to be the result of my being born on a Thursday. Mark my words, when the end comes, it shall be on that day.
12/15/03 - Wow. I've been hearing from many people that my website, my diary in particular, is 'depressing'. Well get ready for a happy entry. Everything is wonderful. Just peachy. Arsenic is going wonderful. We have a great cast who I just love, and have had three great nights (except for the one where I 'decided' to skip a scene). So far I'm really happy with the whole thing though. And then there's Don. Part of me still can't understand it. Why would such a nice guy want anything to do with me? I'm not the kind of person who attracts nice, normal, sane guys. Okay, I'll admit it. I have a habit of picking psychos. So this is kind of an adjustment. But a GREAT one. Sigh.
And then theres the great news. MIKE IS COMING TO BURNSVILLE! Possibly as early as February, or as soon as he gets a car. I'm so wonderously happy about this news I could explode, explode I tell you! Everyone at Burnsville loves Mike so much, I'm sure he'll make a ton of new friends, especially in theatre.
Well that's all I have for today. A sunny break from the seemingly unceasing waves of darkness and anguish pouring out of this diary. ;) Oh come on guys you know I'm a happy person!
12/04/03 - I was looking over most of the contents of my site recently. And I realized how much of this website is just a lie. Most everything I write about myself is a lie. There is sooo much that I would NEVER even think about putting up here. It's all so fake. It's not me. And most of the diary entries are just vain attempts to rationalize and over-dramatize the stupid things I do and feel. Then I just end up making my friends care more about my stupid problems, when really mine are just trivial musings about life. And my stupid thoughts. Oh well. I guess I'll keep the website up in order to give me something to do.
11/29/03 - I'm having a very peaceful day. I wish I could feel this way all the time, because lately I've always been uneasy about something. It's like every single day I think I know the thing thats going to make me feel better, a different thing than before, but it never happens. So what I think I need changes every day, and I'm still not content. I don't think I realized how stupid I had been in my relationship(s). I really fucked things over for myself emotionally and now I'm feeling all jaded, mistrusting, and not even sure whether anything could ever work out for me. I suppose not everyone is out to hurt me, but presently it feels that way. I'm just sick of being lied to all the time, but part of me wonders if thats because I keep knowingly letting myself get lied to and used. Long story short, I need something. And I don't know what that something is, because anytime I picture anything good happening to me, the picture also involves getting hurt. And I'm too emotionally fragile for that lately.
PS - Fuck you Jon. I can't believe how much of my life you've totally wasted. You sucked everything out of me, and now I am feeling so emotionally drained. I hope you're having the time of your life, cause you took the easy way out of everything. You haven't even had to see my face or talk to me for the longest time, and I hope it stays that way, because heaven forbid you might see that I'm unhappy, and I might take your place as supreme victim of the world. Well you know what? Everything has been your fault. You have no innocence. None. The blame for our relationship being the freakshow that it was can be placed squarely on YOU. At least one good thing has come out of this, me learning what never to do ever again. Thank you for that.
11/17/03 - I honestly can't tell you exactly why I haven't written here for this length of time. So much has happened that I've wanted to write about (emotional stuff), but I just...haven't. Part of me thinks that if I put my problems and little gripes about life up here people will only read it and think I'm a whiner, or that my personal stuff will just provide a fuel for gossip. Or maybe you genuinely care about me, and if you do I feel bad for you because its a misplaced care. I know my gripes are trivial to what some of you are experiencing right now. And thats the stamp I want on all my diary entries because if I'm bitching like the world's ending or something, most likely its because its late at night, I'm emotional, and have blown the whole problem out of whack. So, that being said, I'm going to go over some of the main points of my past week or so that you've missed if you only go to my site for information about me.
-Guys and Dolls debuted to a spectacular run and is now over. We had packed houses every night, and turned out just great. I am so happy to have this as my first highschool show, and I'm really looking forward to Arsenic.
-I had people over to my house on Saturday and It was super fun. I think all of my friends were really entertained by Mike, and we all hope he goes to Burnsville next year.
-I'm actually going to Sadies with someone! Take that mom and dad, I'm not antisocial! Okay well fine I am, but at least now I can sit in my dark room all alone with the knowledge that I have a date to Sadies. I'm going with Logan, he's really cool and I'm sure we'll have a ton of fun.
-Basically, I'm doing a lot better than I was before. But I'm kind of avoiding the thing that I know is going to take me back to where I was, and that I know if I have to face it again I'll probably be at home crying myself to sleep. So for now I'm avoiding it completely, but I know I can't do that forever.
-I've had several spiritual revelations in this past week, ask me about them and I'll tell you sometime. Or maybe I'll write about them later. No big deal.
11/02/03 - I don't really want to talk about this, and my guess is you'll all hear about it sooner or later, from different points of view. Here's a convo i had with Shlee that should clarify my feelings on the matter.
mindgames1317: hi ashley
corruptionfun27: hey
corruptionfun27: how are you?
mindgames1317: eh
corruptionfun27: what's wrong?
mindgames1317: you havent heard?
corruptionfun27: well... yes, but after it was passed down a few times
mindgames1317: i see.
mindgames1317: so yeah pretty much that.
mindgames1317: who did you hear it from?
corruptionfun27: carly and robert, who both heard from megan who heard from jon
mindgames1317: and what did you hear?
corruptionfun27: I heard from carly that he "wasn't feeling the love" or something like that and I heard something else from robert
mindgames1317: yeah well he said he realized at his party he doesnt love me anymore
corruptionfun27: did he say anything else?
mindgames1317: and then we kind of started arguing and he got mad and said i was making him feel more guilty (always the victim) and that this hurt him as much as it hurt me and hes made so many suicide attempts in teh past week blah blah blah
mindgames1317: and i was asking him what did he expect?
mindgames1317: i think he half expected me to be all happy about it or for me to beg him to stay.
mindgames1317: so yeah he was going on about how hard it was and how much he was crying. then lo and behold a couple hours later i get an im from emiley saying he was at the garage all over some chick so yeah im sure this weekend has been soooooo tough for him.
corruptionfun27: jeeze...
mindgames1317: and now he's ignoring me
mindgames1317: so yes peachy keen
corruptionfun27: do you still love him?
mindgames1317: i love what i thought he was
corruptionfun27: kind of seems like nearly everyone is changing, huh?
mindgames1317: no he didnt change. my views of him just did
mindgames1317: but what do you mean by everyone?
corruptionfun27: I dont know, I feel like I've been drifting from most everyone
mindgames1317: i kind of noticed that
corruptionfun27: what you mean by your views changed? did you start overlooking his flaws that make him human?
mindgames1317: he is very good at making people think he loves them
mindgames1317: and besides taht im getting physically sick (always happens to me when stuff lke this happpens emotionally)
corruptionfun27: doesn't stress weaken a person's immune system?
mindgames1317: i dont know. its just how my body reacts. (like adelaide in guys and dolls ;-))
corruptionfun27: haha
mindgames1317: what a waste. i mean listening to him profess his love to me all summer, i finally go out with him, and he stops lovign me 2 months later. i could have spared us both the trouble. its embarassing
corruptionfun27: he needs to grow up
mindgames1317: i think i do too
mindgames1317: and move on
corruptionfun27: and try not to be too worried about what other people will think
corruptionfun27: perhaps
mindgames1317: but what scares me is
mindgames1317: if he came to me tommorrow telling me it was a mistake and he wants me back, would i be able to say no?
corruptionfun27: I hope so, but I'm not sure if you would
mindgames1317: i mean it happened twice before. what makes now different?
mindgames1317: and it makes me question myself a lot
corruptionfun27: I'm afraid that you're going to become so jaded that you won't believe in love anymore
mindgames1317: thats also a possibility
mindgames1317: but i never expected myself to have a happy love life
corruptionfun27: do you think that maybe because you dont believe you will it wont come true?
mindgames1317: maybe
mindgames1317: i just find it hard to picture someone for me
mindgames1317: someone that i like and that likes me just as much
mindgames1317: i think the other problem i have is that this has never happened to me before
corruptionfun27: being dependent?
mindgames1317: no. being dumped.
mindgames1317: i was always the goddess
corruptionfun27: oh
mindgames1317: i was always the one they wanted back
mindgames1317: and i started thinking this could never happen
corruptionfun27: oh
corruptionfun27: so that was a bit of a wake up call, then?
mindgames1317: i guess
mindgames1317: in many ways
mindgames1317: ive been really idealistic this year. and im thinking that was stupid and naive of me
corruptionfun27: at least you woke up early in the year, rather than letting it build up
mindgames1317: i mean i just got into this 'oh pish posh the world isnt really such a bad place. im immune! nothing bad can happen to me!"
corruptionfun27: yeah, I know the feeling
mindgames1317: An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
-- H. L. Mencken
corruptionfun27: I like it
mindgames1317: but everyone seems to like happy lauren better than sad lauren
corruptionfun27: I like Lauren better than masked Lauren
corruptionfun27: I have to go
corruptionfun27: good night, lvoe
corruptionfun27: sweet dreams
mindgames1317: goodnight shlee
mindgames1317: thanks for being there
corruptionfun27: I always will be
mindgames1317: :-D
mindgames1317: goodnight
corruptionfun27 signed off at 9:18:36 PM.
11/01/03 - He doesn't.
10/27/03 - Slept over at Carly's on Friday, then went to Jon's. Then had a church overnight which was a tremendous waste of my time.
Feeling fine. I left my slippers at Jon's house.
Does he love me?
10/23/03 - Happy birthday Jon! Happy mole day, everyone!
I got casted in Arsenic and Old Lace. So everyone has to see that.
The reason I havent written in here for a long time is because I just didn't feel like it. There are times when sharing your petty problems helps, but I'm at the point where I realized that most people just don't care either way, and I'm getting along fine anyway. No really.
Umm...lets see whats been happening lately. Rehearsals for Guys and Dolls. Yeah. We took a career test. So now my future is sealed in a bubble sheet completed with a number 2 pencil and is on its way to Iowa to get scored. (Crosses fingers) "COME ON SALES DISTRIBUTER FOR COPY MACHINE PARTS!" Hey we all gotta have dreams.
10/11/03 - Too much happening. These past three days have been like a roller coaster ride; full of ups and downs. I had callbacks for Arsenic on Thursday. And saw Seige. It was wonderful (better than any of the crap I put on last year, in my opinion *Kidding...it wasn't crap*) Then on Friday I stayed home from school because I had somehow magically pulled a muscle in my rib cage while I was sleeping. It hurt to sit down, walk around, or stand so the only way I was really comfortable was when I was on my back. Then I went to the doctor and stuff and got my ribs checked out, then got a flu shot. So that was no fun. But then I got home and lo and behold, a message from Shlee. I call her and get the news that I got casted as Abby in Arsenic and Old Lace. So I was all happy for most of the rest of the day. Then I went to Seige again...and things happened. I don't need to broadcast them on here for you all to read, but know that things are happening. Then I came home all stressed and my mom told me she thinks I'm having these stress problems because of drama and that I should take a break after Arsenic is over. I had to explain to her that its not that easy, that even if I wasn't in another play as long as I was in highschool, I would still have to deal with my friends problems. I can't just turn away.
I have a massage appointment today at 4:45 which should be nice. Might help with how tense I've been lately. (of course my mom blamed it all on drama) Tonight I'm going to closing of Seige and Perkins afterward so hopefully another high.
9/28/03 - I'm back at home for a while. My parents are still in Iowa. I'm going back to Ashley's later today to sell candy and cheesecake and stuff for drama.
I went to a movie and then Baker's square on Friday. It was fun but I didn't like the movie. And I got harassed by Adam (I VOTE FOR A HOMECOMING RECALL! OR BETTER YET...REVOLUTION!)
Then we sat around on Saturday, went to Donut Star with Carly and then sat around more. Then we went to Carly's and made pizza rolls and bracelets and watched Lion King. (By the way, did you know Matthew Broderick does the voice of adult Simba? Weird) Then went to the Garage where Jon and I fought and then made up and then fought again (repeat about 10 times). And note to everyone - he's abusive! So if you find me dead, you'll know who did it. But I love him so.
Then we went back and I slept over at Ashley's again and came back this morning. And here I am.
9/22/03 - I give up. I don't know what to do to keep people happy anymore. I don't know what I can do that won't hurt people. Have we gotten so tightly wound around eachother that none of us can keep up with eachother's expectations?
I've had enough. Or maybe its just the Autumnal Equinox. Making everyone crazy. I have the feeling like I'm standing in a circle that everyone's leaving. And I have to follow someone or I'll get left alone, but everyone is going different directions.
And yet, it may seem like I'm torn up emotionally right now, but that's not the case. I have been working on controlling my emotions lately, keeping everything nice and calm, and its working. Right now you could describe my feelings as a giant sigh and a repetitive "What has this all come to? Ah well, I'll just wait it out." So my theory is that people can solve their own problems unless they come to me for help or if they have a direct problem with me, which I hope they'll address.
On a different note - my cousin had her baby today. So I'll be at the hospital visiting them tommorrow.
9/18/03 - Just to let everyone know, that last entry was a joke. Ashley and I were really bored one night so we decided to make fake diary entries and see who we could get to believe we were in a fight. I think its hilarious but I'm sorry if we scared you. But in case you really did believe it, all I have to say is
SEPTEMBER FOOLS!
Today I had rehearsal for Guys and Dolls and we worked on the same song for the whole rehearsal. I think I'll start having more fun with the play once I start getting to be better friends with the highschoolers, but for now I'm just enjoying the more hardworking and professional athmosphere at the highschool.
9/16/03 - God I hate Ashley so much.
Who does she think she is anyway? She thinks she's all high and mighty just because my parents wish I could be more like her. Its always "Why can't you be more like Ashley?" and "I bet Ashley would have eaten her vegetables!". Enough to make me puke. What a goody goody. She's just jealous because I'm smarter than her, well I can't help it if she's dumb! I mean come on a 3.9? Psht. Makes me want to deck her. I'm also starting to suspect she's a CURL HATER. Hey Shlee, here's and idea for ya - get a white cloak and go to some anti-curl group meetings! Oh yeah, and heres a little secret for you all...THOSE ARENT HER REAL EYES! That's right, she beat up a blue eyed hobo on the street and scooped them out with a grapefruit spoon! That ought to make you change your opinon on Miss Angel wanna be Little Miss Perfect Shlee...
That'll teach her. Its so annoying lately I just try to be nice to her in the halls and she just blows me off! Well sorry Shlee you don't need to prove it to the world that you think you're too good for all of us. We already know how conceited you are!
That'll teach her. Its so annoying lately I just try to be nice to her in the halls and she just blows me off! Well sorry Shlee you don't need to prove it to the world that you think you're too good for all of us. We already know how conceited you are! If you think you're too good to socialize with us lower class urchins just say so you snotty bitch!
9/14/03 - Feelin' fine
Right...?
Aren't I?
9/8/03
Step 1: Blinding rage
Step 2: Feelings of intense betrayal
Step 3: Overwhelming self pity (optional step insert here...breaking into tears)
Step 4: Convincing yourself you're overreacting, then once you decide its not true, repeat steps one through three.
Step 5: A dull nauseous pain that grips the stomach in slow waves. (This step lasts the longest, usually 10 hours or so.
Step 6: When questions keep popping into your head.
Step 7: Avoiding everything related to whats hurting you.
Step 8: A numb acceptance that the world is indeed out to get you.
Step 9: Mistrust of everyone you've ever cared about.
Sound familiar? History always repeats itself...
9/4/02 - I'm sure highschool will get better. I'm just not as fast at making friends as some people are...
Oh yes I forgot to put in my diary - I'm going out with Jon now. And don't you dare say anything to me about it like I know people will, because I am totally happy. I don't care what you think, you don't know half of what goes on between us so nobody has the right to come in and tell me what to do with my personal life. Anyways, enough with my defensiveness. I miss him. A lot. I mean I knew it would be hard going to highschool with him in another school, and not even having drama to connect us, but this is hard. I just can't wait till tommorrow when I'll see him.
9/2/03 - First day of highschool. Another one of those life steps I guess. And those three years I have to stay here until I leave. Really, its just school. Call it good, call it bad, call it boring, we just have to go and then its over and we move on to the rest of our lives. Hopefully you can have some fun and make some friends along the way but this isn't always the case. I was a little lonely today. I guess I was right at the end of ninth grade when I said I was getting dependent on my friends. I need you guys, you've become my lifeblood.
I'm also looking forward to theatre starting, because it was the only thing that kept me motivated during 8th and 9th grade, hopefully it will do the same for my highschool years because I can't live on school alone.
Highschool was big, but the individual classes weren't as big as I expected them to be. Some of them will probably be hard, but when I think about it, none of them seem really interesting. Oh well.
I agree with Naseem. A Perkins trip this weekend is definately in order...
8/29/03 - Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit.
There now that I got that out. Shit.
Ever had the feeling like you threw something really important away?
Its sort of like spending all day trying to build up your courage to go on that roller coaster, and then finding out its closed.
I am very angry at myself. Why have I wasted so much time?
Look at us now, I'm in your shoes and you're in mine.
8/24/03 - Dear Edwina is over. Its not like it was some spectacular play or anything, and its not like I'm going to miss it very much. But now I'm kind of left with a "What now?" kind of feeling. And I can start worrying about my future again.
This next week is going to be sort of a lay-low kind of relaxation thing for me. I've realized how much I've trashed my body over these last few weeks, and to tell you the truth I feel under-nourished, under-slept, and totally out of balance and out of shape. So I'm going to lounge around here for the next week and then the picnic will be my last hurrah before summer ends, and I have to finally face the year.
8/20/03 - I am very happy today. And I have no idea why. I cleaned my room this morning and thats about it but for some reason I'm in love with the world.
And that's all I have to say.
8/14/03 - Just got back from Dear Edwina. All in all it was a success (I think), but my mike accidenly got switched to standby while i was changing into my dress, and so I was mike-less for my song. I was really shaken for the rest of the show and I don't think its worn off yet. (Don't worry Malley I'm not beating myself up about it, I just got a little nervous thats all) Hopefully that won't happen tommorrow.
To the rest of the cast - great job. I mean it. And think of how much better we'll get!
8/12/03 - Wow 10 days without writing in my journal that must be a record or something. I guess it was really just because I had nothing special to say. Nothing specific, that is. Its weird how I have nothing really to say when everythings going okay. I did do some wonderful soul searching, though. Its really fun thing I highly recommend it. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Lauren Belisle has found herself. Well not completely. I suppose I should say I found who I want to be, or more importantly who I don't want to be, and now I just have a generally relaxed attitude towards next year, towards now, towards whatever. I embrace the universe. Its chaotic, and I love it. LOOK AROUND YOU! There are so many wonderfully insane things happening, its like a whole show you can sit back and watch. I just wish I could bring an ice cold drink along with me for the ride.
8/2/03 - I know this is just the hippie coming out in me (no wait I'm not a hippie...yes you are admit it Lauren...NO I'M NOT) but I think the world needs a bit more love in it. I realized that everything I do thats negative towards someone else is just adding more hate in a world thats already chock full of it. So here's your daily dose of love, in the order the names on my buddy list appear ;)
Carly - I could never be as happy or as cheerful as you are all the time. You always brighten my day and everyone elses, but you're not a goody goody or one of those people thats sickeningly nice. You just have this way of raising spirits, even if its done in an evil way. I've always been way jealous of your rockin musical skills, but I know they wouldn't be the same if they were mine.
Megan - There are few people as calm and loving as you, and that really makes you stand out in my mind. If I could take all the problems in my life half as well as you can, I think the world would be a lot happier place, because even when I can tell you're not having a good day, you can still smile and say something nice. You're great for talking to and wonderful to have around. Don't ever change.
Naseem - You have been awesome to get to know these last two years. At first I thought you were the weird one from PK who somehow remembered my name after meeting me like once, but I now know that you are one of the people I am closest to in the world, and thats saying a lot. We can be so alike in some ways but so different in others, and maybe thats what makes you so fascinating to me. I love how passionate you can get about things, your strong emotions keep you grounded but also cause you a lot of pain, which I hate to see. You are a deeply intelligent and creative person, and you're going to really make something of yourself, I can tell. Just don't lose your sense of wonder at the world, and dont forget me next year.
Whitney - When I first met you, I didn't know what quite to make of you. I am so glad we became closer during Music Man and Radio Daze, and I am so psyched for the highschool when I can get to know you even more. You have the best ideas ever ( I would have never thought of hosting a mystery party, but get a bunch of drama people together in a room and it was GREAT!) I love how I can never quite tell if you're being serious or joking around, it throws me off a lot and is good for keeping me on my toes.
Kira - I never told you this, but you reminded me so much of myself when I got to know you. I don't even know why, I don't reall have good reasons for it, but looking into your eyes is like looking into my own. Its weird I know. I don't think anyone deserved to get the part of Edwina more than you did, but I think you deserve a better play than how its going right now, for the amount of work I can tell you're putting into it.
Mike - I never really got close to anyone I'd met through church before you, and I'm really glad I did. I love all your ideas for making the world a better place, and New Zanzibar might actually be a pretty cool country if it werent for the tyrannical leadership. I can tell you care about me and all your friends very much, but you're not afraid to stand up and tell people exactly what you think and that takes a lot of guts. You are really a very smart person. Really. I feel so dumb sometimes compared to you.
Ashley - What can I say here that hasn't already been said? You've been there for me through the good times and the bad, and I don't think I've ever had a group of friends that you didn't get along with awesomely, and vice versa, which is what I think has made our friendship last all these years. We seem to go through phases together, and are always changing, and sometimes I feel like I don't even need to say a word to get my point across to you. You're the closest thing I've ever had to a sister and, like family, I can tell you're going to be one of those people I'll know for my whole life. That's just the kind of friendship we have. I have a lot of best friends, but I don't think anyone else comes even close to what you've been for me. Thank you so much.
Seth - I still don't really understand what you said about me and Naseem saying hi to you in the halls saving your life, but then again I don't understand a lot about you. Sometimes I think I have you pinned down, and then you'll go and surprise me again. And I think thats what drew me to you as a friend. I love discussing the various mysteries of life with you, just don't forget me next year (Its easier to do than you think)
Emiley - I really wish I could have gotten more time to know you, I mean we still talk online and stuff but its really not the same. Still, through your website and contantly changing screennames, I try to keep in touch with whats going on in your life. I love how you're constantly reinventing yourself, you remind me of me in that respect, just don't forget that there's a part of you that will never change.
Derek - I don't know if you ever come to my site anymore, since moving to Colorado, but if you're reading this I just want you to know that I think about you all the time and miss having you around at all our social gatherings to find fun things to do with puppets and wrestling masks. I love how you're able to find something great about the little things in life, like Legos and gnomes, and make everybody see how cool everything really is. Just don't go changing and stuff in your new school and become all ghetto or stuck up or in other words, something that you're not, or I'll have to come over there and personally kick your ass.
Jake (Birgen) - I have to admit, I used to be kind of scared of you, until I realized what a softie you are on the inside. I loved getting to know you this year, but I have this feeling like we might drift apart next year so I'll take this opportunity to tell you that I love being around you, you always cheer me up. I love how you can just make friends so easily with anyone, and you never make a big deal about social standing or anything, if someones a nice person you automatically love them. And we love you for it.
Matt - When Mike was making a list of the 10 nicest people for his website and needed a slot filled, he asked me who the nicest person I know is. Without even stopping to think about it, I said your name. You have the ability to see people for who they really are, and see the good in everyone. When I was gone, I missed hearing what you called your 'stupid ideas'. You know what?? I don't think they're stupid at all. I think they're creative and smart, and you have a real talent for poking fun at everyday life. But then again, I think Homsar is one of the most intelligent and sensible people in the world so what do I know. o_0. Just don't give up on those "stupid ideas", they might make you a lot of money someday and I'm not even kidding. You would make a great writer or playwright or something, you could go far.
Jimi - Dude I don't even know where I'm going to start with this one. You are just so FUN. I never knew anyone who could take complimenting themselves to the level you have, and still make it entertaining, but you deserve EVERY single compliment you give yourself. Really. Don't you ever for one single second that you're unloved, or I'll send my whole drama crew over there for a scrabble and Disney charades tournament to change your mind. Please please please stay in drama, I really think this is where you belong. I love you!
Peter - I'm really glad you joined drama this year. Seriously, you have a lot to offer, and I'm so excited to see where you'll go. I've never met anyone get so excited about little things before, and even though we tell you to calm down all the time, its just because your enthusiasm wears us out! I love how you're so passionate about Zelda, I mean really you get dissed for it all the time by Derek and Zack and Matt and Me but you NEVER back down. I think all you need to do is sort of sit down and look at your life from the outside, maybe we all do. I just think that have a lot of potential that is not being used right now because you're worried about fitting in with the drama group or whatever. Really, we don't care if you're hyper all the time or think weird things are cool, because all that really matters is that you're being youreself. Confusing, I know.
Adam - You are one of those people who you think are pretty normal when you meet them real quickly, but when you spend any amount of time with them you find out how wrong you are. When we first did Nightchills, I could never have imagined how our friendship would grow to the point its at now, and I'm so glad it did. You have this talent where you can be totally entertaining if you just get up onstage and go crazy (Seamus) and I wish I had half of what you have as far as pure talent goes. I'm really hoping that I'll just keep getting to know you better and better. DUDE! We're going to the same school next year! YES!
Lauren (Carroll) - Ashley and I were talking about how maybe our lives would be different if we had different names, and she pointed out to me that I probably wouldn't be as good of frieds with you and its kinda weirdly true. I mean, we wouldn't have competed with eachother so much in 7th grade and finally decided to join forces. I mean, our names were really the conversation starter (remember gym?) Ah well I'm glad you're my fellow Lauren. You have this wonderful abiltity to accept all kinds of responsibility, but still be able to switch to fun, weird, childish mode with us when its time to have fun. I haven't known many natural leaders like you and maybe the whole Carrollcorp thing could be more real in the future than we think it could be... I can totally see you bossing around your inferiors while we chat via videophone. You in your cloud, me...wherever I end up. Never doubt your skills, never change. Who else would be there for me when it seems like all the guys and girls in our group are coupling up? Yay, at least I get to talk to Lauren!
Danielle - I think I've known you longer than anyone else on this page, but I feel like lately we've been drifting. We should really go do something this summer. I love how you're always a little ahead of your time. Thats kind of a weird way of putting it but I don't know how else to say it. Its like Carroll calling you 'deep duh" It makes a lot of sense. Some of my most profound thoughts I've had have been inspired by some things you say that just sound stupid when you hear them, and then make more and more sense as you think about them more. You're another one of those people who I think can be smarter than me a lot of the time and not know it, or not think you are. Anyways, we have a ton of great memories that I wouldn't get rid of for anything. They kind of remind me of how stupid we were when we were younger, but you need those kind of reminders in your life now and then. At least the stupid things we did were fun, like beanie babie weddings. I mean who needs sports when you can have a whole little soap opera centered around a box of plastic frogs?
Jon - Yeah I've decided to start calling you Jon because the whole JonJon thing was getting old and it reminded me of during Music Man when you had a whole flock of girls around you going 'JONJON!!" all the time and loving you when you flirted with them and ignoring you the rest of the time. Or maybe it just feels more real to me. Enough with the name thing (I tend to go off on that, dont I?) Whatever I may say or do, I just want this out right now. I NEVER stopped loving you. I love you so much it hurts sometimes. I hate loving you, so why do I? I just can't stop loving you. No matter what I do. Its impossible. And I know that can hurt you, and I'm sorry for everything I've ever done, all the hell we've put eachother through. It all comes down in the end to me and you. For right now, our relationship is over. But times change. People change. I honestly don't know what the future has in store for us. And maybe thats what makes you so mad sometimes, and I'm sorry. The only thing is I wish we could talk more, maybe I should call you someday so we can just sit and talk. Just do me a favor and never doubt my love for you, ever.
Robert - And how could I forget my favorite Canadian? First meeting you, I would have NEVER guessed the impact you would make on my life, and what great friends we would come to be. Ashley isn't the only one missing you this summer, and I don't ever feel the same at a social gathering when you're gone. I think I have more respect for you than most people I know, just because of your life, how you live it, what a GREAT leader you are, and how you're also not afraid to let loose once in a while (Why do you build me up, buttercup?) You probably won't read this, being internet deprived and all, but the many instances where you've shown how much you really care about me (and all your friends) have made a really deep impression on me and showed me that real freindship maybe wasn't what I was thinking it was all along. Thank you so much.
And thats all I need to say. If you're not on here, don't worry, theres just nothing I really need to get off my chest to you about, or maybe I don't know you well enough. I thought this would take longer than it did, the words seemed to flow out of my fingers on to the keyboard WHOOoo! Scary. Wow Lauren stop being so damn emotional. Its silly.
I love you all.
7/30/03 - I really don't know what to put in this entry.
I know I am going to feel really stupid and childish for writing this. I usually don't get this way about things and I'm sorry. Matt, I know I said I would talk to you first but I can't find you at the moment and I need to get some things off my chest.
First of all...lets see. What shall I put first? Have you ever been on the verge of tears, or even really crying, for a reason you know is stupid? Thats kind of how I am now, and its not a good feeling. It kind of started during our interesting rehearsal today, when I found out that a couple other sophomores are going along with Lauren to do inventory at the highschool. I know there's a reason I'm not being included in this, but theres still this feeling like I'm being deliberately excluded from something I really want to help out with. I miss the Mraz center very much, especially after not seeing it for so long. I am also getting more and more worried about next year in theatre. Not necessarily about getting parts and stuff but just about how I'm generally going to blend in to this new setting. I don't want the shadow of junior high theatre over my head when I come here, and I keep thinking that I'm going to be left behind when my friends already know a bunch of highschoolers from the summer and are being trusted to do work at the Mraz center, where I'll just be one of the nameless rabble of stupid, underexperienced sophomores coming in. Stupid, I know, but everytime I hear stuff about funny things going on at the highschool, or doing work or whatever, I just think about how I've been wasting my summer away in front of the television and going to rehearsals for a play thats going nowhere. I'm one of those people who always feels better when I have something to do, work to do, and things to stress out about. Otherwise, I get lethargic and depressed, it always happens towards the end of summer, and I guess this is just the way its manifesting itself this year. Or maybe I'm just moody right now and I'll wake up the next morning and everything will be better and I'll slap myself for how emotional I was getting the night before.
Shlee, I miss you. Robert, I miss you.
7/26/03 - As they say, ignorance can be bliss. Once you know something you can't un-know it. And once you see through someone, you can never go back to how things were. Sometimes I wish I didn't look at people's actions for what they really are. When someone does something crazy and weird, I can't just laugh at them and enjoy it, I have to go through their reasons for doing it in my mind (attention...etc). Of course, maybe I'm just looking for deeper meaning in places where there is none, but I really wish I could just have fun at social gatherings again. I find myself analyzing everything, I can't help it.
On another note, I went to the garage last night to see Tub Ring and other bands perform. There was a Japanese band there that was just crazy but in a fun way.
On another nother note, to my various friends. (You know who you are) I'm sorry if it feels like no one cares for you, or that me and other people are forgetting about people. Just remember that no matter what happens I will always be me, and you will always be you, and I don't plan on going anywhere. I will always be here, you just need to ask. It seems like everyone (including me) gets a kind of blame-the-world attitude now and then but I try to remember that the world is nothing but a lot of individual people, all trying to sort out and make sense of their own lives. The only person I can rely on is me, because everyone else needs to rely on themselves also.
Lately it seems that every couple weeks or so I change my whole outlook on life. It used to happen maybe twice a year when I would wake up and go 'AHA! That's what I've been doing wrong! I see it all clearly now!' but now I seem to go through things like that often. Its a little disorienting. I have no idea where I'll end up personally, spriritually, and philisophically in a few months. Exciting, huh?
Well that was rambling, to say the least.
7/19/03 - Ashley and I went to see Chicago today. To Peter and Seem (Who are seeing it tommorrow I think) You'll like it very much if you keep an open mind and remember to not expect exactly what you saw in the movie. The lady who played Velma (one of Toni Braxton's sisters) was REALLY GOOD, I dont know if I like her or Catherine Zeta Jones better. Now tonight I heard that there's going to be some smoothie making happening. So I'll see how that turns out.
7/15/03 - Yesterday I went over to Ashley's after rehearsal. That day I also got yelled at by my mom for "night-owling it" all the time lately and sleeping till noon.
Today I slept till noon, and then rode my bike over to Regal to see Pirates of the Carribean. It was really good, and I usually don't like pirate movies. I guess Johnny Depp makes any movie good. (Lauren takes a moment to sigh after saying Johnny Depp...sigh) I also wrote a stupid poem. Yup. Thats pretty much my day.
7/12/03 - Yesterday I went over to Shlee's at around 3. We watched strongbad emails and wizard of oz with Ashley and Matt and Carly. Then they all came to the children's theatre with me to watch the final product of my scene study class. I dont know if they liked it or not, but we presented our scenes so yeah thats over now. Then we went to my house to finish watching Wizard of Oz and we watched Little Shop of Horrors which is a great musical I think. I also found out what operation FED is, but it is highly confidential and I can't tell you about it as of this time. Wow I haven't updated my site in a while, I'm sorry but not much is happening and I can't think of anything new to interest you people. Hmmmm.
PS - To all Carrollcorp employees - GET ME OUT OF HERE! Thank you.
7/6/03 - Happy post 4th of July. It has to be late because this weekend I was up at my cabin, enjoying the holiday where Americans celebrate the Independence of their country by blowing up a small portion of it. We drove into Wisconsin to get fireworks, and spent the night blowing up roman candles and the like. Then the day after we used our firecrackers to try and destroy these plastic zoo animals, but they were too strong, or the firecrackers were too weak. The lake had flooded and half the backyard was underwater and being the genious I am I decided to go for a swim. Well, I kind of forgot where the rocks are in comparison wiht the lake, and lost my footing on some slippery rocks, cut my foot, and went face first into the lake. I think I swallowed some lake water too. Eww. Now I'm back home and I have a ton of bottle rockets and firecrackers that are calling my name. Hmm...
PS - Matt - COME HOME! ENOUGH ALREADY! I thought you were going to be home by the time I got back but I was sorely disappointed. (Tear)
6/29/03 - I wrote some prose today. Please don't ask me about it, anything that you think you figure out from this is your opinion, and yours alone.
You came back to me, and in my mind I am facing the dilemma of a person who finds a dying animal in the street. The logical part of my brain is telling me that this thing, looking up at me with its gooey insides hanging out where no insides ought to be, must be killed, must be hit with a shovel, or put out of its misery. I know there is no way it can live, but why do I hesitate? Why is it impossible for us to just kill this thing and let it die? Because we see it looking up with a tiny hope in its eyes, begging to be nurtured. My illogical side is telling me that as long as there is still a hope, a stupid, silly hope, killing something to end its pain will be commiting murder. In this dying memory's eyes, I see the remnants of things gone by. You held me and kissed me until I could forget where I was, what I was doing. The world went out of focus and I was brought to another place where darkness was welcoming me into its embrace and I did not care that even the lights of the stars had gone out. We never worried about the others around us, they became as shadows against the darkness. Black on black, they were out of sight, out of mind the moment you and I disappeared and became us. The day I decided to come back to the real world was the day when I finally realized that these shadows of others could indeed hurt me, hurt us. We were no longer invisible but put naked on a stage for the world to dissect us at will. So I gave it all up. I quit. Why is it that the greatest warmth and comfort came when I was alone? Why is it that when I want nothing more than to spread my wings and leave this place, the world tells me to spread my legs and stay? One of my worst days was the day I realized that I am totally alone, there is no other, no kindred spirit for me in this world. Can you imagine how that felt? No one has reached me, many have tried - does that make me defective somehow? Is it my fault that while I wrestle with my feelings on each side, this animal is still dying slowly and painfully before me and I can do nothing but watch? Sometimes I lay back and worry that really I am a lunatic who just thinks I am sane. How would I know? There's no way to be sure. Perhaps love is staring me in the face and I will have wasted my whole life pushing it away. A deathbed full of regrets. Nobody wishing more than I that I could somehow pin the blame for all of this on someone else, but in my heart I know that every problem in my life has been started by me and me alone. I am too busy for emotion, too weak for it perhaps. Now can we let this thing die? Can we kill it, together?
6/23/03 - Yeah...the reason my site hasn't been edited in a while is because Tripod wasn't letting me but now its fixed. I went to New York and stuff since my last entry. If you want to know how that went, just ask me, okay. I've been pretty busy all summer, somehow I've managed to feel more stress than I did during the school year and I have no idea why. We went to a little Harry Potter party to see the book come out, it was a bloody good time and I'm almost done. (Stupid Carroll thinks she's so cool because she finished the book before me...I'll show her.) Anyways, I'll add a nice little list of ways you know you're obsessed with Harry Potter.
-You come to a locked door and instead of using a key you pull out your "wand" (which is really just a stick fasioned to look like a wand) and yell "Alohomora!". When nothing happens you start banging your "wand" agianst the doorknob muttering things like "bloody waste of ten galleons" and "should've gone to Olivanders".
- When you try to convince everyone you meet that harry is really your cousin
- When some one knocks on your door you say "Password?"
- You and your friends all have harry potter nicknames, (so what if you're all death eaters!) -
- For your birthday party you actually made black robes, and wands, and tried to cast spells on your sleeping friends
-Are going to the book store at midnight to buy the book when it comes out, even if you don't get any sleep and have to stand in line to pay for over and hour
- You try to follow a spider you see crawling around
- You look for a letter every time you see and owl fly by
- On your 11th birthday you left at least one of the windows open so that an owl could easily fly in to give you your hogwarts school letter.
- You checked your friend's pet rats for one with a missing toe
- You are more excited about the new book rather then the last day of school
- You try to transform a rock into a dog.
- You add a invisibility booster to your car. -
- You meet a guy named Harry and ask to see his scar. -
- You see a large black dog in an alley and run up to it saying, "Sirus!! I have been looking for you, transform back into a wizard.".
- The picture of you in your yearbook is followed by the caption "Bloody Brilliant."
- You take Latin just to understand the spells better.
- You collect batteries and plugs.
- Your favorite animal is the lion.
- The reporter at your local newspaper who wrote a bad review for Harry Potter knows you by name - you've sent him/her so much complaint mail. He or she fled one day when you were introduced.
- You refused to go to the school dance because the color theme is green and silver.
- You try to turn your brother into a bouncing ferret.
- You mutter "Pine Fresh" every time you enter the bathroom.
- You try on every peice of silvery fabric in the house (including the shower curtains) to see if you turn invisible.
- You cracked all the eggs in your house and your bathtub is now backed up from the yokes.
- Every July 31 you raise a glass and toast "To Harry Potter. The boy who lived."
- You've bought Bertie Blotts Every Flavor beans and told your sister the vomit ones were vanilla.
- You have a lightning bolt tattoo on your forehead.
- You prod your brothers poster of his favorite soccer/football team, trying to get the players to move.
- You have a badge that reads "S.P.E.W."
- You look at people wearing cloaks suspiciously.
- You search the ponds nearby to see if any chocolate frogs jumped in with the read ones.
- You were outraged when the picture of Dumbledore on the chocolate frog in SS didn't really move.
- When you see a pretty girl in the hallway you pull your friend aside and exclaim "She's a veela!"
- You pick up all the trash in the woods because you're convinced they're portkeys.
- You search your house for hidden rooms when your bladder is particularly full.
- You've made pleas for England to change it's national symbol to a lightning bolt.
- You searched for Hogwarts when you went to Ireland.
- You skip the word "mudblood" when you read Harry Potter to your little sister. She doesn't need to hear that kind of language.
- Your crazy teacher has been dubbed "Trelawney"
- You've actually made up ways to show you're obsessed with Harry Potter.
- You explain that you're fluent in English, French, German, and Troll.
- Everyone you know goes to you to find out when the next Harry Potter book is coming out, or why something happened. They know you have the answer.
- You think your dog is wearing an invisibility cloak over its other two heads - McKinneyLeeMac
- You've created your own recipe for butterbeer.
- You've torn all the numbers off your clock and written things like "At work" "Time to Feed the Chickens" and "Mortal Peril" on it instead.
- You've searched Amazon for all the books mentioned in the Harry Potter series, but only managed to find Quidditch Through the Ages and Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.
- You're convinced Dementors are nearby every time you get a cold chill.
- You actually figured out what the inscription on the mirror of Erised said on your own.
- You bought a Game Cube just so you could play the Harry Potter game on it.
- You signed up for a French class at school just so you could translate what the Bauxbatons girls said in Goblet of Fire.
- You own multiple copies of the books. One set to read, one to look pretty, and several copies in other languages.
- Your screen name is Harry Potter related.
- You are obsessed when the only words you have never at one time misspelled are important in the books.
- You buy an hourglass and repetivly turn it upside-down, then get mad when nothing happens.
- You have named a child or pet after one of the characters.
- You stand in front of a picture of fruit in your kitchen and you tickle the pear.
-You go to the kitchen and seeing the cupboard open, you yell "Dobby! Come here!"
-You are suspended from school on the first day of school because on your supply list it said to "wear school uniform" and you show up wearing Hogwarts Robes.
-Your away messages on AOL read:
- They say the away message chooses the wizard
-Quidditch Practice, Wood needs his star (chaser, beater, etc)
-You have the 5th, 6th, and 7th books written according to theories you come up with.
-You come up with ideas on how to get the part of Pansy Parkinson in the fourth movie so you can go to the Yule Ball with Draco
-You play chess and wait hours and hours for the pieces to move when you say "E4" or something like that.
-You and your friends have a game by throwing books into the air and yelling things like "Fifty points for me, i got it through Myrtle's stomach!"
-You have deep philisophical dicussions about Bill Weasley and whether or not he's single and if he would be attracted to you.
-You're convinced that it was Voldemort who gave you that nasty football injury on your forehead.
-You tell your friends that you're in a hurry, because you're off to the Chamber of Secrets for a cup of tea with your fanged servant.
-You pick up your pencil at school and shriek, "Wingardium Leviosa!!" at the person next to you every other day
-When your teacher tries to take the pencil away, you shout, "DIE, Riddle!" and start stabbing your math book.
-Ask the bus driver why there aren't any beds in the bus.
-Wonder whether your HP poster can really move & get paraniod as to whether it watches you change clothes.
-You pay for round trip airfare to fly down to that school in South Carolina that banned the HP books, just so you can stand outside and scream, "SHEER EVIL MY ASS!!!
-You walk around with your nose in a Harry Potter book all the time, and are known to repeatedly cry out: "WHY, Ron, WHY?? You KNOW you like Hermione! Why must you torture yourself?!"
-Every time you pass someone you cough loudly and say 'muggle' under your breath.-
-You insist you have to practice for quidditch, and pretend to fly around all day making noises like 'ZOOM' and 'WHOOSH'
-You do your homework at night under your sheets.
6/4/03 - We'll a lot has happened since I last wrote, most of it having to do with the summer musical, Dear Edwina. I'll recap. Yesterday we had callbacks, so I go on over to Eagle Ridge, courtesy of Raquel's mom. Raquel, Lauren Carroll and I walk into their performing arts center and Raquel's friend Megan comes up to us and says "Hey I'm just letting you know Chanel Cruze is here and she wants to kill you all." I'm thinking, oh great. For those of you who don't know Chanel Cruze is this psycho that Shlee and I used to be friends with last year who pretty much ruined a good half of our eighth grade year. We told her to pretty much stay away from us, and she went on to badmouth us to everyone she knows. Great, next year should be great if all the Eagle Ridge people come to school only hearing what she tells them. Yeah so well shes in the musical too I guess, I don't know what part. All I know is that I got the part of Kelli, Edwina's older sister. I'm happy with it, its a major part, the only thing is...she's a ballerina. Yes, my friends, I have to spend the entire time onstage in a pink tutu. The way Lauren Carroll tells it is that either Kira or I was going to get the part of Edwina and either Kira or I was going to get the part of Kelli, but they thought I would be un self conscious in a tutu, and that I looked more like Kira's older sister, and that I have the body for a ballerina and I may not be a dancer but I sure as hell can fake it so yeah I got the part and Kira got Edwina. I think she'll do a great job.
NO MORE SIKOROWSKI FOREVER! TOMMORROW, NO MORE METCALF! SO LONG SUCKERS!!!
5/27/03 - Why are relations with other humans always so strained? Why do I always want what I can never have? Why am I so greedy? Why do I constantly desire for whats I know will hurt me, but still want to keep my reputation? Why do I keep hurting people? Why don't they notice what a terrible person I am?
5/26/03 - Hmm haven't written for a while. Well, I was up at my cabin this weekend. Ahh, family. And my dear, dear, Uncle Doug. I still can't understand how he can avoid our whole family for two days by sitting in front of the tv watching mind numbing crap (ESPN girls softball, Nascar, old episodes of MASH) and then when the family gathers around to watch his niece's performance in Music Man on the VCR, he's out of the room like a rocket. Oh well hes a disgusting fat annoying asshole and I can't stand to be arouond him anyways so I guess its all for the best.
I also escaped the monotony of the weekend by starting a new book. Its called Sophie's world, and its a novel about the history of philsophy. It's really good (Ash I think you'd like this one) and I can hardly put it down. I dont know if any of you know this about me but I LOVE philosophy. I could read philosophy essays for days on end. Yeah but I'm just weird.
I think I missed a good time at Carly's though. You will have to tell me all about it.
5/18/03 - Yes well the lock in went pretty well for the first like 6 hours then it went downhill from there. Theres only so much you can take of your classmates and when the only things to do are play bingo or watch Legally Blonde you start to get the feelings like you want to claw your eyes out for entertainment. But all in all it was pretty fun. Then I went to Matt's on Saturday and we played Scrabble and Disney Charades but Jimmy won Scrabble because hes always the champion and we got to see Matt's room finally and it wasnt that bad I don't know what he was hiding in there.
Today I'm probably going to see the Matrix 2. Fun.
5/14/03 - I'm still getting used to this whole going-home-after-school thing. But I think I'm starting to like the extra time, not like its ANY comparison to how great drama was but still. Today we went on busses to tour St. Paul and see where all the gang stuff happened in the 20's and 30's. It was really boring but it was better than school and tommorrow I get to go to Valleyfair so yeah. And Friday is the lock in which I'm really excited for because its the closest thing my friends and I will have to a sleep over.
Ps - Ashley and Robert, I'm really sorry if we made things weird or anything. We had the best of intentions and we all agreed to lay off and let things take their course from now on.
5/10/03 - Well, this is it. Radio Daze is over. Here's a timeline of the past couple days since I've written.
Monday - Had a dress rehearsal, but I still didn't feel ready.
Tuesday - Dress rehearsal went a ton better and I started feeling more confident.
Wednesday - Didn't rehearse but put finishing touches to the set and props. Then I had to leave early to work on a video project for French.
Thursday - Opening night. We made a lot of mistakes, but it turned out well. The crowd laughed at all the funny parts, and seemed to be enjoying themselves. It hadn't really hit me that that was my last opening night at Metcalf.
Friday - Matt, Carly and Peter went home on the bus with me and we hung out in the basement and played Kingdom Hearts. Then we all got a ride to Metcalf and put on a performance that I thought was semi good, but Orth bitched at us about making the same mistakes two nights in a row.
Saturday - Closing night (or afternoon). I went to Caribou in the morning and got coffee and a bagel with Carly, Chris, Matt, Ashley, Lauren F, Raquel, and Maggie. Then all of us but Raquel and Maggie walked to Metcalf. It was really a bittersweet day. I cried before, after, and during circle, and people had really sweet things to say to eachother, even though they were hard to understand through all the sobs. We went on to put on our best performance yet for the worst crowd yet. I also missed Raquel with the pie and that was horribly embarassing. Then we went to Perkins and it was fun but I cried and it was embarassing because I was the only one who did and everyone was giving me hugs and asking if I was okay but that just made me feel stupid.
And now here I am, sitting at my computer, feeling as though a two-year chapter of my life has just closed. And I'm also wondering about what the future is going to bring because I feel scared and lost now more than ever.
I was going to go see Sweeney again because they're closing, but my dad told me I was ordered to stay home. I hope you guys are all having fun.
5/2/03 - Wow. Too much to write. I've been home for like about 2 hours a day all week this week, except for sleep. I did set building Tuesday and Wednesday and yesterday I saw Sweeney (again). Today Mr. Orth did his traditional leave-the-room schpeel. This is where he thinks we have a ton of problems with eachother so he leaves the room so we can work it out. That is a little flawed because if I seriously had an issue with someone I would wait to talk to them in private, not in front of everyone. But still, it was really good for everyone because we got to say things to the group and cry our eyes out (which I always feel really stupid for doing later). It was nice to hear some of the things people had to say to everyone, and some ended up crying who I never would have thought were the emotional type.
Tonight I'm going to the all district dance. I don't really know why, mostly because its a one time thing and I want to keep my friends company. Wish me luck, because I have a feeling its going to be a bunch of sluts and whores and their various pimps, and then little ol' me, sitting, trying not to puke at the sludge this country is raising as their offspring.
4/28/03 - Well this week was a little odd. I've been having kind of an emotional crisis of some sorts and a little bit of a change on my outlook on things. I figure I can't really complain because all of the problems I'm having right now are completely and totally my fault so I won't bore you with the details, just know that I'm gonna try and get things sorted out pretty soon and I'll let you know if anything comes of it. Wow I must be confusing you right now so I'll talk about other stuff.
Sweeney Todd was REALLY GOOD. I ushered for it twice already its marvelous, simply marvelous. It really makes me excited for highschool drama but I don't think that can take the sting off closing night of Radio Daze. Today Carly, Matt, and I were talking with Mr. Orth and he said some really nice things, and how he wishes we were the kind of people he went to Junior High with. Aww. Warm fuzzies!
4/22/03 - Not much to tell. Set building was canceled today so here I am, talking to Nate, and updating my journal. I made a little thing for science to try to get my ice cube not to melt. It melted, but I ended up getting a B. Not bad.
4/19/03 - Well this weekend was just fun filled. On Friday morning I went to Perkins with Matt, Robert, Ashley, Naseem, Derek, Megan, Roxy, and Carly. It was really fun, until some freaky teachers from Eagan High complimented us on our good behavior and gave us Easter Candy. Then Robert got glitter poured on him in the parking lot and was the human disco ball for the rest of the day. And he got glitter all over my car and all over my basement, which was where we went next. Then after a while my mom dropped me, Ashley, and Robert off at Nicole Nelson's party but we left after they started playing hip hop music and strip poker. That party represented everything I hate about American culture, and I hated most of the people there. Then we went to the garage where it was open mic night and they had FREE COFFEE. Me, Shlee, Robert, Whitney, and Nick were there and we met up with Mike, who was cool until he tried to kill Nick And we needed Nick because he was being my coffee slave! Then I left and couldn't get to sleep because of all the coffee I drank.
This morning I went out to breakfast with my family and then went to a cemetery to see my Grandma's grave. But while I was walking among the graves, one of them caught my attention. It was a grave of WILLIAM J. BAILEY. He was in Vietnam, just like Final Exam! Mr. Orth didn't know how right he was. Bill Bailey is dead.
Today I'm hoping I can go to the garage to see Nate's brother's band. My Aunt's in town again but this time she brought her husband so its been different. She's really cool she reminds me of Mrs. Jeffers. Now I fear I must go because I've written too much! Pretty soon I'm going to be spewing my darkest secrets for you people....
4/16/03 - Today at rehearsal we got a much needed schpeel from Orth. I think I am the only one insane enough to enjoy these lectures, but I have good reasons. First of all, I know firsthand how helpful they are to student directors, its really relieving. Second, we REALLY needed it and I know I was doing some of it too and sometimes I need a fresh slap in the face to get me to concentrate. Third, I missed the schpeels! We never got stuff like that from Bakken during Music Man, and it felt good to have a director thats in charge for once. I also just like listening to them. Is that weird?
I am happy because I am perfectly sane. o_0
4/15/03 - Happy tax day to you, happy tax day to you...
Oh well it doesn't matter to me. I don't need to pay taxes, and I'm happy!! I'm officially going out with Nate! (Bounces off walls)
Rehearsal went pretty good, but I think we scared Zack. And Orth told me that I need to learn how to stand up straight and talk SLOOOOWWWW.
4/14/03 - Today it is nice out and all I want to do is sit outside. Maybe fly a kite.
There are many things I could talk about here and many nameless people I could say things to, but this is a public diary so I'll keep my thoughts to myself.
I love you all, yet I hate you all. Isn't that the mark of true friendship?
4/9/03 - I got a haircut today. I guess I like it but I mostly got it to stop my mom bugging me about my hair. She said I needed a 'style'. My mom seriously cares more about my looks than I do. Anyway, the stylist told me I needed to open up my face more, so she was going to cut some chin-length strands sort of around my face, to frame it. Well, she misunderestimated how short my hair is when its dry so now I look like I'm doing a bad job of growing out bangs or something. Oh well it doesn't look too bad. I also decided to go on a makeup strike. I'm trying to last till the end of this month without wearing makeup (except a little coverup and lip gloss). My face feels cleaner, and I feel more like me. Hell, why wear makeup at all? I'm pretty good-looking (I think so anyways, no laughing). I can get away with it. Lets see how long I can last.
4/7/03 - Today we had the first rehearsal for Radio Daze, our spring play. I thought it was pretty fun, but I feel a little disappointed. I was kind of looking forward to going all out with a character and sort of making her my own, but my character, Darla Drivel, is part of a writing team. Therefore, we're two people with one brain, and we always have the same body language and actions. I feel really restricted in what I can do onstage, and its not a nice feeling. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure I can pull it off, but I won't have as much fun with this character as, say, Mrs. Paroo. Ah well. Drama is drama and I love it.
4/4/03 - Okay I just have to set a few things straight since I know there are a lot of rumors going around. Seriously, people if you are going to say things about me behind my back you should just get the guts to tell me what you think.
1) Yes, I broke up with Jonjon. *gasp*
2) No, I did not do it because I'm "jealous". I did it because I'm not gonna sit around and be his happy little bitch while he goes off and does whatever the hell he wants. I'm better than that and unlike him I'm not afraid of being alone. I don't like feeling like I'm being used, and I think way too many girls now are just expected to sit there no matter what happens.
3)No, I was not really "bitchy" about the way I broke up with him. I pretty much just said "its over" and he walked away right then.
4)This time it's for good. I know people are saying that we're gonna be making out in a closet in a matter of a week but I won't let that happen. I mean what I said and we're not going to get back together unless a miracle occurs.
Now that we've set things straight: we opened Wednesday night and had a great show except for a couple door problems. Thursday went great also, and today we did a matinee performance for the elementary kids. It was a tough crowd, they didn't really laugh much. I think Music Man is going better than anyone thought it would.
3/26/03 - I woke up this morning hating myself. That sort of continued through the day. I don't like spring break. I feel so alone. Summer's gonna suck. So yeah I wandered around the house in self-loathing for a while, and now I'm on here. I feel like there are countless things going on behind my back right now and that I can't trust my friends. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but its making me feel like I have nothing to hold on to anymore. Except maybe my ideals but even those are slipping. I like to think of myself as a free thinker. God today my mom was watching Dr. Phil and they were talking about how these young girls are acting like whores nowadays and it depressed me because they're telling their moms that they dress like that because they want to be individuals and then they turned right around and said they do stuff because they're 'in style' or all their friends are doing it. Oh yeah, thats real individual. Nice to know youre being YOURSELF, girls. Seriously people, theres 11 YEAR OLDS in playboy shirts. Disturbed every feminist bone in my body. And don't even get me started on the segment they had on mothers who put their 4 and 5 year olds in beauty pagents. AHHHHHHHHH!!! Anyway for the good of society I think I'll hold on to my ideals.
My day got a whole lot better around 3 or so when I got a postcard in the mail from Carly. It made me really happy to know someone out there's thinking about me, and it made me stop hating myself, for now anyways. Thank you Carly!
3/23/03 - Okay, so we're at war now, and Hollywood still has to glorify themselves tonight. I guess I'm cool with that, as long as CHICAGO wins best picture. I went to go see Willard today. It was pretty good, for a movie about killer rats and an insane guy. It made me think back to when I had pet rats. Only I didn't use them to attack people. And Adam owes me money for saying that Gambit is stupid.
3/13/03 - I probably wont be updating this site for awhile. My computer broke again and I'm using my dads laptop but its a little slower and probably I should just wait till it gets fixed to do more editing. Sorry for the slowdown. See ya then!
3/04/03 - Haven't written in a couple days, but a lot has changed since then. For one thing, I decided that I've been being to miserable and mopey these past weeks and I decided this weekend to start being more positive and stuff. I also decided its about time I found a religion that I like. I took a quiz to see what religions I most closely believe and they ranked the religion I am now (Roman Catholic) to be dead last. I think thats telling me something, so now I'm researching different ones that I might more closely identify with and stuff. The whole Christianity thing really isn't working out. So far I've narrowed it down to Secular Humanist, Quaker, Baha'i, Unitarian Universalist, or Buddhist. I'm also currently reading some passages from the Upanishads (Hindu spiritual book). Yeah. You can tell how weird I am, thinking that this is how I spend my free time.
Another recent development. Me and JonJon got back together. Just so y'all know the truth I'm sure there were lots of rumors but its official now.
2/26/02 - Well today I got voted into the 9th grade hall of fame. The geek award (class brains). I guess it could have been worse. I could have gotten nothing, or some crap award like skater dudette or best dimples. I think class brains sounds like something that would go good on a resume for EVIL GENIUS (my future profession).
2/24/03 - I have all these projects in school that I'm putting off. Like science and history. And here I am, working on my site like a dummy. Oh well. This weekend it seemed like everything I did got cancelled. I had a fun weekend planned but my rehearsal got cancelled, Mike got strep so his party got cancelled, and my chuch retreat got postponed (well I'm not exactly complaining about that!). I went to Brian's party though, and that was pretty fun, except I think we pretty much destroyed his room and some people were playing full contact ping pong. Its an extreme sport now.
2/20/03 - These last few days have been pretty uneventful. I feel kind of empty, almost without feeling. Does that make sense? Im thinking about starting my book pretty soon. I just need to think of a name for the main female character. Something weird, but not too weird. Any suggestions? Hmm I smell a new poll coming!
I have 2 birthday parties to go to this weekend and I have no idea what to get either of them. Sigh.
2/17/03 - I was gone all weekend on this ski trippy thingy with Ashley's church. It was super fun and you can read all about Ashley's spectacular wipeout on her site. Now I'm back and I spent the day watching the new Music Man that my parents taped for me and working on my 3D golf hole for Geometry. Now I'm watching another freaky show about Michael Jackson. I have no life!
2/11/03 - Big news. I'm single again! Me and Jonjon officially broke up. Never you mind the reason. Hey guys its your big chance! Just kidding. I am surprisingly happy and I have no idea why. Especially since its right before Valentines day. Well now I can go back to hating holiday commercialism! yay!
1/5/03 - I think I'm getting sick. Today I had rehearsal for scene 4 and it hurt my throat so much to sing. And do you know how hard it is to sing in an accent? I better stop before I whine you all to death.
2/3/03 - Yeah nothing interesting ever goes on in my life but I feel like I need to update this every so often. This weekend I had to take my 4 year old cousins to the Mall of America and we took them to Camp Snoopy and Underwaterworld and the Barbie Store and stuff. They got kind of annoying but it was okay because in the end I got Krispy Kremes. Then I went to the Garage with people and JonJon was there so you can guess how that turned out. Today I don't have rehearsal and I have to finish a stupid grad standard for English. BAH
1/29/03 - Haven't written for a couple days. Thats because there's been alot going on, I guess. (and I realize alot is supposed to be 2 words. I DONT CARE. Okay Jolly stick that in yer' bong and smoke it! Wheee) Yesterday I had rehearsal until 4:30 and then I got home and had to go to another rehearsal for Final Exam at 6:30. It just never ends. OH YEAH. I forgot to mention MY PART in the Music Man! I got Mrs. Paroo, Marian's irish mother. Yeah I'm pretty happy cause thats a major part. And I get to sing in the Piano Lesson song and Gary Indiana. So yeah. Adam got Harold and Stephen got the mayor. Ellen got Marian but she has to share the part with some chick from Nicollet. (Insert Nicollet laugh here). I'm kinda sad tho cause a lot of my friends got townspeople and kids, but its okay to be living scenery I promise! GO FICUS TREES!
1/26/03 - I hate superbowl. What is with this country's obsession with sports? We pay grown men millions of dollars to run around playing a childrens game, throwing balls back and forth, while the people out there helping people get nothing. It depresses me.
Well the cast list for music man is posted tommorrow. I'm kind of nervous, mostly because I don't think I'm going to get anything. I'm just happy that drama's starting again because I feel like its the only chance I get to be with my friends.
1/23/02 - Went to school. Came home. I was bored so I wrote crappy poetry for your enjoyment. I'm getting really nervous about the musical. It seems to be getting harder and harder to get a part, especially since I missed audtions on Wednesday. I'm really pissed about that. I guess all I can do now is go and do as good as I can and hope for the best. This is really important to me, though and I've heard things that they don't like Metcalf people very much. I'm scared. And a little depressed. The day started out really good for me but nobody else seemed happy and that brought everything down. But now I'm listening to Basket Case by Greenday so that cheers me up a little. Whee.
1/22/03 - Ever had one of those days when you sort of walk around in a daze and feel like you're just watching your own life, like on a tv show or something? That was what my day was like. Then I just started looking around at people and seeing the way they act totally objectively. And it really startled me because I realized everybody was just acting like those supposedly 'stereotypical' teens that annoy me so much on tv. I mean, I had always thought Metcalf was stuck up and plastic, but not to such a degree. It depressed me and I spent about the whole hour in french wondering what would happen if I just jumped out the window, ran away and never came back. Got out in the cold and left all the evil people behind me.
On the upside, I got to read Johnny the Homicidal Maniac Comics so that cheered me up and put me in a nice violent mood.
1/21/03 - Okay. First entry on my new site. Whee.
It was hard to come back to school after getting monday off. I looked kinda stoned or something all day and it didn't help that I inhaled a bunch of smoke during science and almost died and then had to go around with my breath smelling like smoke the rest of the day. REALLY. It was a science project!
Tonight I think I'm going to go to this one act play thing at Eastview with Mike. The thing is I dont know when hes coming or if I can even go so I'm kinda just sitting here working on my site.
Argle I am so goddamn tired. I think this Marilyn Manson rock 'n' roll mumbo jumbo is decomposing my brain cells.
I want to go somewhere with my friends. I do have friends, right?
I want to see JonJon. Its been way too long.
I should just stop this entry right now.
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