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1/25/04 - I'm not happy. I guess that's the best way to explain how I feel lately. I could get more specific, like the fact that I've been going from tears to giggles back and forth for the past week or so, but really the fact that I'm not happy sums it up. So many things have changed that I wasn't prepared for.
Hanging out with my friends has become a chore. It's just depressing. Its become an obligation, whereas it used to be fun. I feel guilty for having more fun with Gypsy Woman people than the people who I love and care for very much. And I've had to shift my whole mode of thinking. The people who used to be my "drama friends" are no longer that, and I have a whole new group of "drama friends". With them it feels like it used to, before we all got tied up in each other's lives and problems and we could just have fun. But I feel guilty for that. I promised myself I would never desert my friends (and I don't intend to) but lately it's become just hard.
My parents have become totally different people lately, religiously, and its a big adjustment. And I'm still trying to figure out where my beliefs are. The only time I feel really Catholic is when I'm around Mike, and maybe thats just because he makes it so fun. All the other times I feel like I hate the Church and what its done to my family and my free time and my weekends. I feel like Good and Evil, God and Satan, whatever you want to call them, are fighting over me. If Good wins, I think I will end up a spiritual person, but probably not Catholic or even Christian. If Evil wins, I will abandon the whole religion thing. Right now I'm sort of in the limbo of taking on a religon I'm not sure I believe in. I just wish it would go one way or the other, but due to family I'm getting confirmed, and going through all the other "Good Catholic" things.
I'm also wondering if this whole me being in a relationship will work. I like Don a lot, but maybe it was just bad timing because I have so many attachments still and I feel like I'm hurting him. And that's something I told myself I would never do. But its so hard to change once you get into a certain pattern of actions. I've been very cranky and emotionally confused lately and have regrets about things I've said and done.
Wow I'll probably regret putting this online but here it is. So now you don't have to ask me why I seem depressed cause you'll know. There's other things, but those I don't feel like sharing so don't ask. I'll probably feel better pretty soon anyway.
1/10/04 - I feel like I'm being pulled in many different directions. I feel like I'm living many different lives. Everytime you see me its the Lauren I choose to be around you, the Lauren I created for you especially. Every part of me is scattered and given to different people for different reasons. I'm just trying to pick up the pieces and put them together because I can't be stretched this many ways without snapping sooner or later. That is all.
1/03/03 - I feel so peaceful right now. I don't even feel like myeself. I suddenly have no needs, or even wants. Its like a higher plane of existance and I feel like I can look down on the whole world. I get the strange feeling I don't know who I am. I have always defined myself by my desires, but now I have none. So what does that make me? Nothing. And its so blissful. I'm at such peace.
Today I went to rehearal at nine. Gypsy Woman rehearsals are the funnest rehearsals out of any play I've ever been in. Everything is loose and relaxed, we can goof off but still get things done. We can be focused without even having an adult supervising. And the play is looking marvelous. I'm sad we only get two nights.
Then when I got home I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's. I really loved that movie, and for some reason I identified a lot with Audrey Hepburn's character. My dad kept saying what a kook she plays in the movie, and I kept thinking "She isn't so crazy..."
Then I started a new book. Its like nothing I've ever read before.
I had just finished the other one I was reading. I Robot by Issac Asimov. I think its one of the best books I've ever read. Its about robots but it really got me thinking about what life really is and how you can define sentience.
I feel like I need to write some fiction right now but there's no time for that. Tonight I rented Arsenic and Old Lace (the movie) which I haven't seen. So I'll watch that. Sounds like a plan. Life is good. Grand. So grand you could put an "e" at the end of grand. (Thank you Matt Alley)
1/02/03 - Something weird happened today. I get home from rehearsal and my dad informs me that a package came to the door. It was addressed to my dad and to our house and the return address was some unknown company in Virginia (We looked it up online later and found nothing about it). We opened up the package and inside were 40 metal soup spoons. Five packages of eight spoons each. Four of the packages were these clear plastic box things. The fifth package just had the spoons wrapped in paper with a red ribbon tied around it.
It was really weird. Who is randomly sending us spoons? Its a mystery.
12/23/03 - Everytime I'm feeling something that I can't really describe, I go to www.colorquiz.com . It's usually pretty accurate in describing how I feel. (Almost to a scary point) You should try it.
Your Existing Situation
Active, but feels that insufficient progress or reward is being made for the effort exerted.
Your Stress Sources
The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship.
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.
Your Desired Objective
Wants interesting and exciting things to happen. Able to make herself well-liked by her obvious interest and by the very openness of her charm. Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming.
Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.
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