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Once upon a time there was a little girl named Sally. Sally liked nature. Plants. Animals. Frog poop. Fishies. Sticks. The works. Ever since she was 2 Sally played outside, building mud castles and poking badgers with sticks and throwing rocks at birds. She liked that kind of stuff. It may seem like Sally was mean, but she wanted to test the "kill 2 birds with 1 stone" theory. It worked. She never did it again.
One day while she was watching TV, she heard some stupid Republican guy named Norm Coleman talking about "ozone depletion." Her 5-year-old brain couldn't process what he was saying and in her head she was thinking, "What's that?" Then she went to her mommy and asked her, "Mommy what's ozone depletion?" Then her mommy stopped shelling peas or whatever she was doing and said, "Sally where did you hear about that?" Then Sally said, "From Norm Coleman."
Well, Sally's mommie got so mad, she threw the peas and said, "Norm Coleman?! Why the hell were you listening to that bastard?! He's a fucking Republican! You little bitch!"
Then she went to Sally's room, packed up all her things in a little knapsack, threw Mr. Bobo (Sally's teddy bear) into her arms, and pushed Sally out of the house. She didn't want Sally listening to that stupid Norm Coleman guy.
Well, Sally stood outside in the cold air, clutching Mr. Bobo under her arm. She decided that she would have to find out for herself. So she started walking into town. That brave Sally. Only 5 years old, and out to find the meaning of ozone depletion.
So she started walking, through the biting November wind, still in her Pocahontas pajamas with bits of Cheerios still on her face. She clutched Mr. Bobo and kept walking, past big semi trucks and rabid German Shepard dogs and stray cats. With Election Day around the corner, she decided to find this stupid Norm Coleman guy herself.
So she traipsed on and on until she got to town. She felt small and intimidated standing by the big buildings and taxis and stuff, but she wasnt gonna get scared that easily. She kept walking and walking until she saw a sign that said Norm Coleman Speaks Out to our Youth Today. Brave little Sally decided to walk inside the building and look for Norm Coleman.
As she walked into the building, some big guy in a black suit leered down at her. What are you doing here little girl? He spat the words as he spoke and he smelled like dog poop and cigars.
Sally plugged her nose. You smell like dog poop and cigars. Im looking for Norm Coleman. She clutched Mr. Bobo a little tighter as she spoke and her toes quivered in her Pocahontas pajamas.
The guy who smelled like poop and cigars pointed to her right. Down there, he grunted. Sally thought he sounded like a pig, but she didnt say anything.
She turned and walked down the hall. She walked. And walked. And walked some more. Then finally, after 2 minutes, she reached the end of the hall, where Norm Coleman was walking into the bathroom. She ran to him and pulled on his shirt. He looked down at her and smiled. Hello little girl.
Hi Mr. Coleman! I have a question. I saw you on TV talking about ozone depletion. Whats that?
Then he launched into this very complicated speech about how CFCs ate away the ozone chemicals in the atmosphere. It would probably have been a better idea for him to explain what the hell ozone was in the first place, because Sally didnt know what ozone was. When he finished explaining, he patted her head, gave her a lollipop, and proceeded to go pee. She stood there, dumbfounded, but she turned around and left the building. Then she went over all the information in her head, about the stupid CFCs and other stuff and she decided that CFCs were evil and that Norm Coleman was weird. She decided to go home, but then she remembered that her mom kicked her out of the house so she went to the park and lived under a bench, eating squirrels and raccoons for the rest of her childhood and teenage years. When she grew up she became a scientist and studied ozone depletion. Then she remembered what Norm Coleman had said and she decided that he was an idiot and didnt know what the hell he was talking about. She sent him a card that said, Dear Mr. Coleman, remember me Sally? I asked you about ozone depletion when I was 5, and Ive been studying it for 4 years, and you know what? YOURE A FUCKING IDIOT!
THE END
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